Give Me Faith

So this is THE song that has been referred to a couple of times in the last couple of blog posts. It was the song that was sang at church the morning before Emrick's seizure, and its the song that God used during all of that to encourage Jonathan so much. We have sang it every Sunday since then (I think). And, God has definitely been using it to work on my heart. This has been a rough week for me, and my spirit has reveled all kinds of evil in my heart this week...I could go on and on about all the things that have made this a rough week for me, but really, they're are just excuses for me to act immaturely, and with a hard, hard heart. So, in my attempts to be vulnerable, here are the lyrics with my own little side notes of what I am thinking when I sing it....

Give Me Faith
I need you
To soften my heart (Lord, please do this, cause right now its pretty hard in so many ways)
To break me apart (ok, don't break me apart though...that part may hurt, and well...not really up for hurting)
I need you
To open my eyes
To see that You're shaping my life (sometimes I need to be reminded that You have this...You've got it...all of it)

All I am
I surrender (Well, see, can't really do that...my family, and my work??? are You really sure that You can handle that for me?)
Give me faith
To trust what You say (why do I struggle with this so?)
That You're good and Your love is great (sometimes I know and believe this, and other times, I just know, but can't really believe it, and sometimes I'm not sure, but I just have to believe it, oh, and I tear up every single time I sing this line)
I'm broken inside
I give You my life (okay, yes, I am broken, You can have me)

This is true, I go through these thoughts everytime! There is another verse, and then the chorus again, and then the bridge:

I may be weak, but Your spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God You never will (Lord, I am so weak, and I am so thankful that You are strong, can You please just continue to prove that to me until I can't question it anymore - I SO need You)

I cannot express the thankfulness I have for a church that seeks truth, and a church that desires to teach biblical truth. It reaches our family in so many ways. On top of that, we have family, friends, a community group, work places, and so many others around us that continue lift us up, speak truth to us, and encourage us daily. There is no denying that I am somewhat struggling this week (and I don't really even have a reason), and if I am honest, have been struggling in different ways for a while. So, its overwhelming really to think about all that God has placed around me and my family to help us through...He continues to move me closer to Him, and I am thankful for all I learn in the process!

God's Hand

Wow! What a week it has been! My last post told about how terrifying our last week was, but only gave minimal detail to the ways in which we saw God's hand over the whole circumstance. Can I just tell you how awesome He is, and what grace He showed us through this experience! If you haven't read the last post, you might want to start there, and then read this one!

1.) Jonathan's parents were in town visiting for the weekend, and were getting ready to hit the road, but they hadn't left yet

2.) Donald and Mary Beth Spann (some of our closest friends) live across town, but had come by to borrow our bikes and our "child trailer" (as I call it) to go on a bike ride; they were still on our side of town riding when we called

3.) Our small group was about to begin, but our leader (Wes) had time to come by and pray with us, then go to small group with an update

4.) I work with an amazing Christian friend that was able to get my sub, and help her with plans all day, both days, and update my school, and ask them to pray for us as well!

***This is an addition: Jonathan's work was also encouraging, understanding, and flexible. His boss even sent us a text that said there was a team praying for us!

5.) The nurse at the TR hospital keep telling us to pray, we tried, but were so afraid that it was hard...we both think in song most of the time. We had sang a new song at church on Sunday, and all Jonathan could do was sing parts of the song in his head.

6.) Rebecca and Charity (more good friends) were able to bring our car to the hospital for us, and encourage me for just a minute at the hospital

7.) When Jonathan was telling Wes about hearing the song in his head, Wes pulled the song out, and said, "This one, that I printed for you."

8.) Our small group was able to join us at the hospital, pray with us, and get us dinner (for many days and nights to come)

9.) Jonathan's parents were able to stay at our house Sunday night, and take care of Bristol. They were willing to take Bristol home with them on Monday night, and Jonathan's dad was able and willing to come back on Tuesday, and stay as long as needed him to to watch Emrick, so that we could go back to work.

10.) Our sweet community group has been feeding us, and has even made trips to get various things that we needed this week so that I wouldn't have to...

11.) We go to church with our peditrician, and he was so sweet to call and check on Emrick yesterday (we kind of feel bad for him because he was out of town, and he is hearing the story on so many levels - being filled in from our church members, and from the hospital too...poor guy!)

12.) So many others have asked, called, prayed, posted on Facebook, and just simply loved us through this last week.

I am still so emotionally overwhelmed at all that God placed around us to protect and comfort us. Amazing, really!

If there is one way that you could still pray for us, it would be that we rest, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think that it took so much more energy than we even really knew or expected. We are so incredibly thankful for a God that loves us dearly and personally, and uses others to love us that way too! Thanks for being a part in the way God has shown himself to us this week! We love you all!

Scariest.Day.Ever.

So, Sunday, October 3, 2010 is a day that the Edmonds family won't be forgetting any time soon!

Let me start at the beginning. Over the past week, Emrick hasn't felt terrific. He has had cold symptoms, has been teething, and his temperature has been running 100.2 or so. Nothing terrible, and nothing really out of the ordinary for him. I picked him up a little early from daycare on Friday.

And, since his fever was a little elevated and he felt bad, I decided to take him to the doctor on Saturday morning (Jonathan's mom came with me since they were in town). They treated a sinus infection, and said the elevated temperature was probably due to a viral infection. We went home, and tried to have him rest. He spiked once on Saturday to 103, but we kept alternating motrin and tylenol like we usually do.

Sunday, he seemed to be feeling a little better, but still felt a little feverish. We went to church, but I just kept him with me. I checked his temperature in the middle of service because he felt a little warmer. His temperature was 101. I gave him tylenol.

After church, we went to eat. He seemed fine, didn't eat great, but also didn't act like he felt all too terrible. We then went to the Greenville Zoo. He seemed fine, just a little tired due to not having a nap.

When we got home around 4:30, I noticed he felt really warm all of the sudden. Then I noticed he was shivering a little. Jonathan advised me to take his temperature, 103.6. Jonathan noticed he was somewhat unresponsive and focused on the fan in his room. We both knew something wasn't right. Susan (Jonathan's mom) is the first one that said it looked like he could be having a seizure. At that point we decided to head to the closest ER. On the ride, Emrick became completely unresponsive.

At this point, I am just going to write in bullets because so much happened so quickly:

-arrived at ER in Travelers Rest around 4:45

-they formally diagnosed a seizure and started medicating to try to get it to stop

-we move to a larger treatment room, and they continue working

-they start preparing us for the transport to Greenville Memorial Children's PICU and explain that the ambulance's sirens are precautionary

-Jonathan at some point leaves and Donald Spann is at the door, which Jonathan needed at the time

-around 5 they start talking about how this seizure is lasting longer than most febrile seizures (caused by fevers)

-spinal tap is performed to test for meningitis (at which point I'm freaking out inside)

-they asked us to step out while they did the tap, and our community group leader (Wes Cavin) was there, and I pretty much broke down while he prayed for us

-they let us back in and he calms down, and basically goes to sleep (a deep drug induced sleep)

-ambulance arrives and we make our trek down to Memorial (we actually didn't drive with sirens and lights since he wasn't seizing anymore)

-arrived at Memorial around 7 pm

-by 8pm our community group was here, as well as our community group pastor, some other close friends from church, the Spanns and Jermile were all at the hospital with us (we prayed, cried, and felt so extremely blessed by this)

-Sunday night he was out until about 11:30

-at 11:30, he woke up and came to enough that I felt like my baby was back

-Sunday night was pretty restless, with at least seven cords hooked to him, he just couldn't get comfortable

-we were moved into a regular room (out of ICU) on Monday afternoon

-we had a couple of more meaningful visits

-Monday was somewhat frustrating because he was so sleepy and has absolutely no idea what he wants...and extremely fussy (but we'll take that over what we had Sunday afternoon for sure)

Our hope is that he will be able to head home Tuesday at some point. Such an emotional and scary experience, but once again, God was able to use it to remind us that we are loved and that we have such an amazing support group. I can't not thank, you, everyone that was praying with and for us the past two days. Even as I type this, I am overwhelmed at the blessing that we have received. God is good, and He was good on Sunday, and we will continue to praise Him.

*I'm sure when I'm a little more coherent, I'll be editing, but just wanted to write what I could remember while it was fresh.

Back 2 Life

As some "professional" bloggers might say, here is my *stream of consciousness to catch

everyone up on how we've been:

Well, life has return to normal in our house. It all started around August 9. I went back to school, Emrick went back to daycare, and Jonathan started his new job at Chick-Fil-A. This creates a very busy life for us. Since we've been back, Emrick has had a fever virus, shared it with daddy, and had an ear infection/sinus stuff. Thankfully though, the tubes seem to have done their job, and he only missed 1/2 a day of daycare. Honestly, we've been doing really well, fast-paced, but really well.

Labor day weekend, Jonathan and I traveled down to Atlanta to watch the LSU Tigers play UNC. It isn't very often that I get to watch them play in person, so it was much anticipated. It was a tiny bit interesting because our house is a Tiger house in the fall, and a Tarheel house in the winter (just the agreement we had to make)...so everyone wondered if there would be any arguing or division, but we managed to remain on the same team even if the Tigers almost lost it....In the end, all that matters is that LSU won, and we had a blast! On Sunday, we went to SkyTop Orchard. I don't really go to pick apples (although, we did pick a couple). I go to get the apple cider slushies and the apple cider cake doughnuts. I mean, it really is enough to convince anyone that they should go once a year (at least)!

Last weekend, Jonathan's buddy, Colt, got married in Montana, and we decided to go. Just Jonathan and I. We left Emrick in the care of his Grammy and Poppy, and went to Missoula for a few days. We had a great trip, and I loved seeing that part of the country for the first time. The wedding was beautiful, and we enjoyed being able to catch up with Colt and his sweet bride, Ericka, just a little. On Sunday, we headed up to Glacier National Park to take advantage of being so close. It was really neat...so incredibly beautiful.

Emrick is growing like a weed, and is learning to walk. He is walking about as much as he is crawling (if not more), and he is getting into everything. He is talking some, saying pretty much the same things that he's been saying for a while. He has been signing "please" since about 9 months old when he was prompted to do so, but has recently gotten decent at asking without whining, and without being prompted. One of his favorite things to do is to pull pillows of the couch or pull books off the shelf. Oh, and he LOVES Bristol's water bowl too...unfortunately. I think that's about all, enjoy some photos:

*Warning: Unless you REALLY love our family (and possibly even if you do), picture OVERLOAD below!

See he really does LOVE the washing machine

He also likes "naked-time" after bath-time

This is what happens when we don't have a nap before lunch

Trying to get the annual, "How tall are you?" picture

My favorite of the day:

Little Scarecrow

Love this, too

Missoula, Montana

I have a love-hate relationship with this one, but I love that you can see Jonathan and his expression in the reflection.

Don't we look like a little "honey-mooning" couple

Long-horned Sheep at Logan's Pass in Glacier Park

Such a gorgeous day!

This video depicts what we did just about every night for about two weeks as Emrick was learning to walk. We don't always bribe him with food, however, just so you know ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWDZ4dBiw0k

This video was taken one night while we were waiting for daddy to get off of work. It is mainly for my parents that don't get to see Emrick much, because it shows so much of his personality...except the very end, that parts rare, and I have no idea why he started...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LM5ZMrx9erM

PS - I have got to find a quicker way to upload our videos...that took way too long, any ideas?

Challenging Topic

When I shared with Jonathan that I wanted to do a post about one of our family's journeys, he asked what made me want to. My response was that I know that there are others that are struggling with similar situations, or that have friends that are struggling. So, if me sharing can help anyone then I think it is so worth it. Not to mention, it is a story of God's hand restoring me, and redeeming me, so it is again, worth sharing!

Its taken almost two years to be this open with our journey, not because we're private people (I am definitely the opposite), but because it was really hard at the time. We now understand that God gives grace that we are so desperate for, and that He loves us bigger than we can imagine. Even in the midst of struggles! Here are the events of July 2008, straight from a journal I have:

While visiting family in Mississippi that summer, I decided to take a pregnancy test. Lo, and behold, I was pregnant. I couldn't wait to get back to South Carolina to tell Jonathan. When I got home on July 14th, I told Jonathan that I had an early anniversary present for him. We were beyond excited! Over the next two weeks, our house overflowed with joy...in two weeks we would celebrate our first anniversary in Nicaragua while on a mission trip, and we were PREGNANT!

On July 25, we would leave Greenville, SC for Villa del Carmen, Nicaragua. When I woke up that morning, I noticed I was spotting. It didn't overly frighten me, as I had been told, this could be normal. We continued getting ready, and headed to the airport. My concern grew as I began to feel cramping in my abdomen (like menstrual cramping). The realization of what might be happening began to set in as we arrived at the Atlanta airport. I was almost frozen in an emotion that I can't explain, while Jonathan had to search the airport for what I would need physically (I wasn't prepared-at all). All this time, it was just us (me and Jonathan) and we were just trying to figure out what to say, what to do, who to tell, etc.

When we finally reached Managua, Nicaragua, we decided we needed our team leaders to know what was going on (one of which is a doctor). Although it was very clear that this could be the end of our pregnancy, we left that conversation feeling blessed and at peace. And, we left asking that the circumstances not be shared with our team.

The week in Nicaragua was incredible...peace, blessing, and comfort are the words that I would use to describe it. The pastor's wife at the church that we worked at even blessed us. During their Wednesday night service, she touched my tummy and said something in Spanish. I was able to catch "baby" and "Jesus," but that was it. Later through translation realized that she had said that Jesus can work miracles, and she had blessed my uterus. It was a truly incredible experience, lesson, and blessing I will forever remember. We finally told our team what was happening during our debriefing session. Their love, understanding, and prayers surrounded us immediately. We were not ready to leave Nicaragua. It was so easy to see, feel, and serve God there. Coming home meant distractions and facing the facts: our baby was gone.

We went for an emergency ultrasound on Monday when we got back into the States. It was true, we had miscarried. The good news (if there was any) was that I wouldn't have to have any follow up procedures to correct anything. Being back at home, and back at work it was easy to get caught back up in life. It didn't take long to forget all that God did and all that He gave while we were in Nicaragua. I soon forgot the lessons of peace and comfort He had given. By September I was beginning to recognize that I longed for a baby more than I longed for God. While somedays I was able to recognize God's hand drawing me nearer to Him, others were scorched by disappointment, bitterness, sadness, and a multitude of other negative feelings.

Finally, I talked to a friend that had her own struggles with conceiving. I told her I felt like I was having to lay my desire for a baby down every single day, and often more than once a day. She suggested that I stop focusing on putting it down, and start focusing on reaching up, start reaching for Him. Despite when our next pregnancy would occur, I recognized in that moment that God was at work. He was in fact, redeeming and restoring me to Himself. He would make me whole. He would be the desire of my heart if I let Him.

Jonathan and I decided to begin "trying" again almost immediately. On election day (Nov. 2008), I took another pregnancy test-it was positive. We were grateful and we rejoiced. And, Emrick just turned a year old!

God did a mighty work, on my body, and more importantly, on my heart.

There are many friends that are not as blessed as we are. We have friends that have been faithful for years as they have prayed for children. What we endured was so short to the time span that some of our friends have remained steadfast in their prayer to conceive. Others are plagued with sadness with the lost of multiple pregnancies. My heart hurts for them. Yet, so many of them are true examples and encouragements in our lives. They inspire us as they continue to trust in the Lord.

If any of our family or friends read this, and think, "You never shared this story with us." Please know it was only because we were waiting to tell everyone our exciting news until we got home from Nicaragua, and then we struggled with knowing how to share what saddened us instead. We just weren't sure of what or how to say anything.

We are thankful for the journey God has taken us on the past two years. Its been nothing short of miraculous, and He deserves all the glory!

View on Educational Funding Cuts

Okay, so I am risking a little by writing this post, and want to place a few disclaimers:

1. I by no means, am intentionally making this a political post (I know very little about politics, and would not choose to go in that direction).

2. I am also not saying that every educator feels this way, or that I am right...

3. This post risks the potential to be a little all over the place, as I have tried to organize it in my head, it hasn't really been willing to follow any organizational format!

So without further ado, here are my thoughts:

As, an educator the continual cuts in education are very frustrating. By March, of each year, my teammates and I begin to get nervous about the number of teachers that will be excessed (meaning, forced to move schools) or like this year, when they let three of our teachers go all together. We never truly feel safe! Additionally, the more teachers that are let go, the higher the student to teacher ratio gets. *And this is probably where I am the most passionate. For example, when we left in June, I had 27 students on my class roster. That's 27 10-11 year olds! I am responsible for knowing and understanding specifically the needs of those 27 students; how well they read, how well they can do their math, being able to maintain a safe and healthy (emotionally and physically) environment, and so much more for all 27 of those students. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy these challenges, that's why I teach. However, if you ask me about the reality of me missing something, the potential is pretty high. There is just no way, that I, one person, can focus that intently on 27 students. I would love to cap at 20 students...that just seems so much more doable. As you think about this, please realize that I am not saying these things because its "too much" for me, or that I doubt my abilities to do what I am hired and trained to do. This is about the kids in my room...its better for them if there are less students...they get more of me, if there are less kids in that room. I realize that class size has always been an issue, and that at some point in my education I probably had just as many if not more in my class. I guess I am just wishfully hoping. So, job security and class size are definite issues with me.

Next, I have an issue with the amount of money that we get to spend in our classrooms. Last year, I was given $275 to supply my classroom (which is ample, I'd be good with anything over $100), but this year I got $0. In previous years, I would buy my students binders, markers, color pencils, notebooks, etc. This year, I have none of that stuff on hand, and do not have the funds to help my students that can't afford the supplies. We try to be really mindful that some students can't afford our supplies, and keep the supply lists simple, but sometimes that isn't enough, and I like to have enough supplies in my room that we can make it work. I simply can't stockpile supplies when I don't have the funds to do so.

So, "America" wants the economy to improve...How in the world will our students of today be able to help our economy to get better, when they can't do simple multiplication and division (because they sat quietly on the second row in fifth grade)? I guess this is my biggest fear. Students that will fall through the cracks, because they are well behaved, or at least quiet. If we have less students, it will be easier to catch these students and help them the way they need to be helped. America can't risk our future, by continuing to discount the education of those that will be in charge in the future. If we don't properly educate our students, then our future, doesn't really hold any real hope for improvement.

Then, I didn't even touch the accountability system in place. Don't misunderstand me, I appreciate the accountability...I think most teachers need it (including me for the motivation), but I don't necessarily think it is the most valuable or reliable. Just saying...

At the risk of looking a little foolish, these are just my thoughts. You don't have to agree, and you can even say, "What is she thinking?" I just needed to get it out there, and off my chest...so DONE!

Anniversary Stats

Just a quick little update about our 3rd anniversary, and then a little about Emrick's stats from his 12 month check-up!

Because I was in a post-delivery fog last year, we didn't really celebrate our anniversary, so this year, we celebrated enough for both anniversaries. Our faithful babysitters, the Millwoods, kept Emrick for us, while we headed to downtown Greenville. We dined at Rick Erwins, and had a good time talking and eating. We even have dessert to share tonight, as we ate too much to enjoy it last night. I even managed to surprise Jonathan with a little gift. He does, and gives so much to Emrick and I, so although there were rules in place to not exchange gifts, Jonathan will now be able to enjoy NCIS season 6!

Jonathan, you are amazing, and I am humbled each day to be your bride. I have loved these three years, and look forward to all our lives. Thank you for loving me, and always being willing to celebrate us a little bit! I love you!

(PS-Our first anniversary was spent similarly-nice restaurant, downtown Greenville)

Emrick had his 12 month check-up today, and I would consider it a success. Our little monkey is finally higher than the first percentile in weight, he's in almost the sixth, weighing in at 19lbs, 3oz. He's 29 and a half inches long (42%), and his head is in the 50%!!! It is comforting to know he is getting bigger! He had a couple of shots today too, and although he cried some, he got over it pretty quickly.

Soooo....all is very well at the Edmonds' house. I do have two blogs that I have been thinking about writing for a while. They're a little more serious in nature. One is about my thoughts on the continuing cuts in educational funding...it should be interesting! And, the other is about a journey our family took just before we had Emrick, that I never shared on the blog! It should be a fun two weeks in the blog world of the Jonathan Edmonds family.