Thursday, December 23, 2010

My Battle with Excitement!

Ever since we had a miscarriage in 2008, I sometimes feel guilty for being excited about things like being pregnant, or being excited about things that Emrick is doing. I was always the one that struggled so with not being pregnant when others were; I was always happy for them, but so sad that it couldn't be our "status" as well. When others would complain about being sick, or being tired, or complained about anything related to pregnancy, it really angered me (even after I found out I was pregnant with Emrick). I tried really hard to be excited about the baby growing inside of me, but to not overly talk about it or complain about it. I never wanted to cause anyone the pain that I felt after our miscarriage. Even then, I had to tell myself and my pregnant friends that it was my battle, and something that I needed to deal with, and they couldn't possibly feel responsible for every little thing that they said and worry about whether I was going to struggle in some way because of it.

Since Emrick, I have learned of so many friends that have struggled way harder and longer than we ever did. And truly, they inspire me. Each of these friends has impressed me with their unwavering faith and comments like "We just keep trusting" and "God is doing something." But I still struggle to share....

That we are expecting again in July 2011! I'm twelve weeks today, and things seem to look good!

I struggle because I am so excited, but I hurt for some of my closest friends that can't feel this joy. I worry that they will be sad, not jealous, just sad. I've been there...and, its pretty uncontrollable when you want something, but it seems out of reach. I don't want to throw it in anyone's face, and I feel like this is harder now than it was when I was pregnant the first time.
I hope that in all this, my friends can find hope. Maybe they can see that we struggled, but that God remained faithful. Maybe my friends don't struggle the way I did. Maybe their desire for the Lord, is stronger than their desire to be a parent (unlike mine, before Emrick). I know that they will be happy for us, and I don't know why this is such a hang up for me, but its just one of those things I guess.

Please know, all my dear, sweet, and faithful friends: We are praying for and with you! I love each of you dearly. Thank you for being such an encouragement to me, even after we had Emrick; you're unfailing faith has strengthened me!

PS - In this holiday season, our family prays that you feel the blessing of all that this season really means. May you spend great time with family and friends, and truly experience that God, became flesh for us, and that is what we really celebrate. And, that He did this to eventually go to death for us. Take that in completely, and celebrate all that He continues to do for us!


The Turner's said...

Congrats! I understand your struggle. Thanks for sharing the wonderful news!

The Brooks said...

I totally feel ya. I dealt with the same thing seeing as how quickly we got pregnant and having so many dear friends that struggle with infertility. Who knows what our next try will be like, but we are sooo excited about having another Edmonds baby to love on!